On days like this I wonder how the world exists around me. Happy memorial day all, today is the day we remember those who gave their lives to our country in senseless wars by burning hot dogs. I decided to stay home today, in bed in my hot room, with my ocillating fan and Linus.
Truthfully my body is driving me insane, literally, I don’t know why my period makes me so depressed. Yes we all got moody around this time, but it shouldn’t be suicidal, and I have to deal with evil cramps too. Every few minutes I burst into tears. I hate that I’m like this.
I’m annoyed with everyone, I’m annoyed with the world, and for reasons other than the time of the month. I don’t understand why everyone comes to me with ttheir problems and shit, when I can’t even deal with myself. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a few years, If anything I’m sure I would lose some weight that way. But I wish I could go to a pychic, a real deal, where I could peer into a crystal ball, and see how things are going to end up, maybe that would make me feel better, at least let me know that I make so far, so that I may calm myself for today.
I hate boys, why do they ruin us so, not only are they ruining us, but they’re are ruining every other boy’s chance of dating a normal girl by making us all crazy people. I wish I had never been abused, it would make things easier for me with my new realtionship. I hate feeling that all I’m good for is sex, and even though I know that he doesn’t feel that way about me, every other guy has, and its been so instilled in my brain thats what I believe, and I just can’t figure why he would want me for any other reason, and I’m driving myself crazy, which I’m sure is driving him crazy. and all i want to do is curl up in a ball and disapear.
But still he does something that no one else has ever done for me before, something that I wished someone would do for me since I was a little girl. he takes care of me, when I cry he holds me and comforts me, and kisses me, until i stop, and i actually do stop, no one could ever do this for me, not matt, not my friends, not even my mother, they either just ignore me or tell me to shut up, only making it worse, making me want to cry ten times more, so I gave up. But he gives me hope, even when my brain won’t let me have any, and I’m terrified of losing this.