You are my sweetest downfall….
Life is a really funny thing, isn’t it?
Its just so amazing how everything truly comes full circle.
Nearly ten years ago I was hurt so badly, I didn’t know how to repair myself. Sometimes I’m not sure if I ever fully did. I just pushed the feelings, the terror, the heartache, the emptiness, so far away I forgot abput it. Although I have learned to own my sexuality, and never let someone take advantage of me again. To never let anyone force me again. Yet somehow my sexuality still became the only thing people saw in me, and somehow I was truly forced to believe that it was all that I was worth.
Then one night, a night I had truly given up and decided to remain in my unhappiness, I saw someone who I thought was him. Quick like a flash a hundred feeling came rushing forth, but all I could think was “I know him.” And he saw me and mistook my flash as flirting. I didn’t want to talk to him, I didn’t want to know him any more than I already did in my head, but my stupid drunk friend just had to go over and advertise me so well. I was so mad. I didn’t want to dance with him, but I was just drawn to him. And he was a terrible dancer, pushing me into everyone, I was soo mad. We talked a bit, nothing serious, the usual introductions, then he told me where he was from and my heart ached, and all of those feeling that I first had the second I looked at him came pouring foward again, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I wanted to give him my number, and I did, I wanted him to talk to me and he did, and I wanted my boyfriend and promised unhappiness to disapear, and they didn’t.
We met again a few times, we talked a bit, danced a bit (badly still). I gave him my hairtie and he invited me for a drink in his car, but I turned him down, even though I wanted nothing more than just to escape with him, let myself go, be dangerous, make out. But I’m not a bad girlfriend, although I was the unhappiest I ever was, I could never cheat.
He said he would wait for me.
And he did. And I’m no longer unhappy. And hes a much better dancer now too.
I want nothing more than to fall asleep in his arms, to be covered in his kisses.
It really is amazing how everything comes full circle.
He lives just a minute away from the diner. The diner which ten years ago, I sat humilated in while, my boyfriend asked the waitress on a date while I was sitting across from him, and i felt truly worthless.
It really is a great diner though, he sits and holds my hand while he eats his made to order pizza burger. I told him once that he not only redeemed the land and sea for me but the whole town as well. He was curious to know who this boyfriend was, but he stopped asking when I told him I didn’t want to know if he knew him.
I found out later he did, as he mentioned some random story about his defining characteristic, I held my tongue.
Sometimes, after being intimate with someone, I cry, I can’t help it, hate it in fact, its just a surge of emotions, and I feel utterly awful about it, usally making me cry even more. When this had happened in the best the boys I was with would be pretty cruel, not intentionally I hope, just maybe not understanding. He has been the first one to actually care for me the way I need to be cared for, and for this, he has no idea how truly thankful I am. He holds me and kisses my tears away, making me smile in his cute little puppy dog way, yet he was still so confused, never understanding the reason why I would get this way, if it was his fault or something. Last night I finally told him, what happened to me ten years ago, though I didn’t tell him it was the one from his town.
Letting it out seemed to make us closer, and we made love so perfectly I shuttered.
It really is amazing how everything comes full circle. I don’t understand it. But I know that i’m falling in love with him.