Cruel

Why can’t my balloon stay up in a perfectly windy sky

 

I’ve been feeling somewhat despondent lately, not really sad, just weird I guess. Today is Matt’s birthday I hate that he still harbors a place in my thoughts. But at least they are no longer thoughts of missing him or wondering how he is. But more like thoughts of how could I have been so stupid to let him treat me so badly for so long. All of his horribleness is finally coming to light in my mind, maybe because I found somewhat good and nice. But the thoughts I have of him still hurt me, make me sad, and break my heart. And for that I hate it.

Maybe because its summer, and I guess summer and going to the beach had been happy times. Shelley came back from LBI, and I cant help but remember when he used to go there with his friends and I wanted to go so badly and he would never invite me, when I finally asked hime why, he said it was because I’m too shy. Now I’m meeting Dan’s friends for the first time, and I’m praying too good that hes not thinking the same thing.

I dont know i think too much. We are soon approaching are six month anniversary, a part of me feels like we have been together forever, and the other part can’t believe its been so long already. I got my perscription for birth control pills.  Another thing I’m terrified. I do not want to become the crazy self I did the last time i took them, the doctor gave me a pill though that was low horomones so she said that shouldn’t happen again. I think though I ‘m going to use it as an excuse to bring it up with Dan, and finally tell him about my depression. I know its nothing, but I can’t help but feel like I’m hiding something from him, and I want to be completely honest with him, its just a matter of bringing it up. I know hes concerned and cares about me, but I still dont know how to tell him, but I at least know or feel that when I do, he wont feel any differently about me. I hope.

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