Baby don’t hurt me, no more

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This happened.

Okay I know she doesn’t say thanks in the movie but I did.

How do you respond when someone tells you that they love you and you don’t love them back. We had an inside joke back in high school to respond with I care for you. Which wouldn’t be lying, but it seems like it would hurt so much more than anything else.

It would have been the sixth year anniversary of being with my ex. It would have been the 14th year anniversary of being with my ex ex. The ex would get mad cause I would forget the date. He didn’t know it was so close to the date of the ex ex that I would get confused. Not we hate each other and I’m sleeping with the ex ex. And now the ex ex tells me he loves me. But besides the fact that I don’t, I also don’t believe him! Because I know that he’s lied about it in the past. When it did matter, when I loved him. And because of that I feel like I can never love him. And because of the ex, I feel like I can never love again.

I just wanted to have fun and have sex and not care. To be free, not exactly like Holly Golightly, but to be free of feeling. Let go of my bitter, cynical heart. Be free of being hurt. With love comes hurt. Especially a love like this, a love like his.

That’s why for now I’ll just reply thanks.

Watch the world burn

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The last few years I’ve put myself on this crazy reading challenge. I discovered the “1001 Before you Die” series, and decided to make my goal to not just read the 1001 books but every book that was ever included in a new edition of the list, which I think came out to around 1500 books. I started on my reading quest with a simple goal of 52 books a year, one book a week. Easy, right? I even downloaded this intense spreadsheet. Of all the books that calculates how old you’ll be by the time you finish the list. The first year i completely surpassed my goal and read around 65 books. I was unemployed that year. The following two years I wasn’t as speedy in my reading and finished around 40 books. This last year my reading list fell off. For starters, I was using this website called List of Bests to track my yearly reading. I was in love with site and I had about 100 more lists i was getting book suggestions from besides the original 1001. It was very user friendly and I got such a sense of accomplishment from checking finished books off and tracking my progress. Then last year the site announced it would no longer be running and it would self destruct or do whatever it is that websites do when they die. I was crushed. I reluctantly moved my shelf over to Goodreads. I know its the site that everyone prefers. But for some reason I’ve never been too fond of it. I can’t get the hang of it, especially on mobile. So sadly I have no idea how many books I read last year, which bothers me more than it should any normal person. I’m guessing it was less than 40, maybe 35. Goodreads is saying it was only 15 but I know that can’t be right.

Anyway, the second reason my reading quest had hit a lull is that 2014 was an odd year for me. I was definitely busy. Besides working full time, I started taking classes. I had a new job transition. For a while I was training for the new job while still working the old one. Then on top of that I was working for school at the animal hospital another 8-16 hours a week. I was worn out and spent most of my time home sleeping. But the truth is I was depressed. I was keeping busy because I was depressed. When I had downtime, I would think I should be reading, but I would pick up a book and put it right back now. Or I would read a few pages and not remember a word. I didn’t want to finish the books I had started and I didn’t want to start anything new. For someone who has loved reading since I first learned how, I had never felt this way before. It freaked me out and it also probably made me more depressed. I felt like I truly lost something that I loved and no matter how hard I tried and I just couldn’t find my way back to the rainbow.

A few months ago I decided this lack of reading pity party needed to end. I was sick of the classics and I was over the lists. I had plenty of time to read them before I died. I needed something new to kindle the flame of my wordy love, or just to turn on my kindle again. So I took to Reddit. After all it was the only thing I had been consistently reading. I found a subreddit for book suggestions, and I explained my situation and asked for any ideas to spark my love of reading again. The people who responded were all really kind and understanding and surprisingly all recommended books I had never read or had never even heard of. And no one recommended Game of Thrones! Through their suggestions I found some good easy reading, chick lit, and ya that list obsessed me from three years ago would have scoffed at. I enjoyed them and I was charging my kindle up again. But I didn’t reclaim any of my previous page turning hunger of the past.  Then I picked up an off the wall suggestion for a book called the Burn Collector by Al Burian. Not really a book, it’s a collection of zines, discussing the lives and stories, travels and shifty jobs of Al and his friends. It’s been a while since a book resonated with me so much. Not only was it funny with a unique type if dark humor but it just hit home with me in so many aspects. I was highlighting lines on every other page, something I rarely do. I just wanted to turn around while I was reading and say to some non existent person, “would you listen to this guy!”

“Places grow to have meaning in your life from experience, from the process of connecting. The inevitable contemplation of commemorative tattoos follows.” 

“I like Fall, tending to prefer the transitional seasons, because they don’t have weather, just foreshadowing. It’s not cold yet, but it’s getting colder. You look hippest in this weather, dressed in your faux-proletariat thrift store jacket and long pants to hide your dorky knees. Fall seems pregnant with the possibility of simpler things, a straight-forward future.”
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The book made me want to jump on a greyhound bus and just pick up and move. It made me want to drink coffee. Or keep  dream of the nineties alive in Portland. But it also made me want to write again. Honestly I don’t think it ignited that reading lust I was looking for but I’m okay with that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get back on to that crazy list train. But the book was partly the reason why I started this blog back up again. It made me want to release my words and anxieties and obsessions. Complain about my shifty job. It really did inspire me to pick up a pen, or more honestly, a tablet. Not really so anyone would read it or hear it. But just so I could get it out of my head. Keep writing to stay sane or sound more crazy, but at least in a slightly eloquent way.

So this is the first book I am checking of for 2015.

Meows it gonna be

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Today in made up holidays: It’s national answer your cat’s questions day. So I tried to think of what kind of questions my cat, Linus, would have for me.

Linus: Can you feed me?
Me: No it’s not your dinner time yet.
Linus: Why? I’m hungry now.
Me: You have to wait a few more hours.
Linus: Why?
Me: Because you are fat, and we need to control your eating.
Linus: But you’re fat too and you get to eat whenever you want!
Me: Yes well, I have to control my eating sometimes too. But I have thumbs so I can get my own food, you have to rely on me.

Do you have any other questions not about eating?
Linus: Can you rub my belly please?
Me: Sure, of course!
Linus: STOP RUBBING MY BELLY!
Me: Geez okay, don’t kick me!
Linus: Can you rub my belly again please?
Me: Do you have any other questions? This is your one day you’ll get answers.
Linus: Hmm. Why are birds outside.
Me: Because that’s where they live. There’s more room to fly around.
Linus: But I want them.
Me: Maybe they stay outside so they can stay away from you. Anything else?
Linus: Where do you go?
Me: What do you mean?
Linus: Sometimes your gone for a really long time and I’m alone.
Me: Well I have to go to work, or I visit people, or I go to stores.
Linus: Why?
Me: Because its just something people do. Trust me, I would much rather stay home with you than go to work!
Linus: Then why go?
Me: Because its how I make money so I can buy things.
Linus: Things like my dinner?
Me: Yes.
Linus: Can I have my dinner?
Me: Okay let’s wrap this up! Before we go and loose this ability to communicate with each other, I just want to let you know that I love you and you’re my best friend. Do you love me too?
Linus: Yes of course. And I especially love you when it’s dinner time.

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Hello again

Hi blog, it’s been awhile. Things have changed. I’m writing this on a tablet. Instead of in my office, sending it in an email. I haven’t had an office in a very long time. Things have stayed the same. I’m still unhappy about where I am in my life. That might be why I’m writing this right now. About a year ago I started writing this short story. Of course it was a work of fiction exactly about my life. I do that often. They never get finished though, because I don’t know how to end them. Because I don’t know how it ends. I will never know how it ends. Because it just keeps going. Today I decided to start this blog up again. It won’t be about fashion or actually about anything at all. I won’t try to publicize it. It will be a hashtag free zone. If anyone stumbles across it, I apologize in advance. It’s my not so locked diary, it’s my neverending short story, it’s my writing practice, it’s the things that don’t matter and everything else in my heart. It’s me again.

Fatshion February 4: Be Cool My Babies Be Cool

Random Conan Quote

This is how I look when I don’t feel like wearing clothes but I still want to look slightly put together. Jeans, t shirt, and my go to jacket; works every time.

Outfit Details
Tee: Anheuser Busch factory in St Louis men’s size XL and cut by me
Jacket: Torrid size 1
Jeans: Source of Wisdom via Torrid size 2
Earrings: Torrid
Bracelet: Gift shop in St. Martin
Shoes: ShoeDazzle

OOTD Leftovers

I was going through some pictures and I found a few outfits that I forgot to post!

The first is from my Aunt and Uncle’s 50th anniversary party.

My uncle is very much into classic cars. He restored this one which is the exact same type and color car that he had when he was first dating my aunt, how romantic!

Outfit Details
Dress: Asos size 14
Tights: We Love Colors size CD
Headband: ShoeDazzle
Earrings: Betsey Johnson via Ideeli
Necklace: Betsey Johnson via Macy’s
Shoes: Naughty Monkey via DSW

The next outfit I wore on a date with the bf to our favorite Mexican restaurant.

Kitty Photobomb!

It was unseasonably warm at the beginning of December so I took some outside pics too.

Outfit Details
Top: French Connection via Loehmans size L
Blazer: Torrid size 1
Jeans: Source of Wisdom via Torrid size 18
Flower & Ring: H&M
Earrings: Betsey Johnson, gift from Mom
Necklace: Tarina Tarantino via Ebay
Bracelet: Lia Sophia
Shoes: ShoeDazzle

Please Vote for Me!

I’ve entered 365 Hangers Style a Shape contest!

So far I am one of the few plus sized entries in contest about dressing for your body shape, so it would really mean so much to me. Please take a look and vote and reblog this and I’ll love you forever.

Thanks so much,

Jenna

xoxo

Vote Here

http://www.365hangers.com/style-a-shape/

Outfit stats:

Dress: Beth Ditto from Evans UK size 20
Belt: Torrid size 2
Tights: We Love Colors in Rubine
Shoes: Nine West via DSW
Necklace and bracelet: Lia Sophia